Common Myths and Facts You Need To Know About Domestic Violence and Domestic Abuse
"But They Never Hit Me": The Hidden Faces of Domestic Abuse
Imagine someone confides in you and says, “They never hit me, but I don’t feel safe.” This simple sentence reveals a harsh reality: domestic violence and domestic abuse often hide in plain sight. Many victims and even observers miss the warning signs because of long-standing myths and misinformation.
This blog post will break down the definition of domestic abuse and violence, challenge harmful assumptions, and expose the real dynamics of control and harm. Whether you’re preparing for court, seeking counseling support, or trying to understand a loved one’s situation, this guide will offer clarity, resources, and hope.
What Is Domestic Violence and Domestic Abuse?
Contrary to popular belief, domestic abuse and violence are not limited to physical harm. At its core, domestic abuse is any behaviour used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner, family member, or household member. Abuse can take many forms, and understanding these is crucial to recognizing when someone may be in an abusive situation. Forms of Abuse and Violence Include:
1. Emotional & Psychological Abuse
This involves actions that damage a person’s self-esteem and emotional stability. It includes behaviours like constant criticism, gaslighting, and manipulation. Over time, this type of abuse can lead to anxiety, depression, and emotional dependence on the abuser.
2. Verbal Threats & Manipulation
Verbal abuse uses words as weapons to control, intimidate, or degrade someone. It includes yelling, name-calling, threats, and guilt-tripping. These tactics often escalate and can be just as harmful as physical violence.
3. Financial Control
Abusers may limit or monitor a partner’s access to money, employment, or education. This forces financial dependence and makes it harder for the victim to leave. Tactics may include withholding money, giving strict allowances, or sabotaging credit.
4. Isolation
Isolation occurs when an abuser cuts off the victim from friends, family, or support systems. This is done to increase dependency and reduce outside influence. Victims may be discouraged from socializing, using their phone, or accessing transportation.
5. Digital Stalking & Harassment
Technology can be misused to monitor or intimidate someone through phones, social media, or GPS tracking. Abusers may read messages, track locations, or send threatening content online. This form of abuse invades privacy and causes constant fear.
6. Sexual Coercion or Abuse
Sexual abuse includes any unwanted sexual activity or pressure to engage in sex. It can involve manipulation, threats, or force, even within a relationship. Everyone has the right to give or withhold consent at any time, for any reason.
7. Physical Harm or Threats
This involves any use of physical force, including hitting, slapping, or pushing. Abusers may also destroy property or threaten violence to create fear. Even without physical contact, threats alone can have a powerful and controlling effect.
Domestic violence and domestic abuse can happen to anyone, regardless of age, gender, race, sexual orientation, or income. It’s not about anger. It’s about control. The abuser uses power to manipulate and dominate their partner, often isolating them from friends and family. Healing and support are possible, but it starts with recognizing the signs and reaching out for help.
The Biggest Myths About Domestic Violence and Domestic Abuse
Too many people still believe in outdated myths about abuse, myths that silence victims, excuse harmful behaviour, and protect abusers. These misconceptions can make it harder for survivors to speak up or seek help, and they allow abuse to continue unchecked. Let’s break the cycle by busting some of the most common and damaging myths about domestic violence and abuse:
Myth #1: “If there are no bruises, it’s not abuse.”
Fact: Abuse is much more than just physical violence. While bruises and injuries are visible signs, many forms of abuse leave no physical marks but cause deep emotional and psychological harm. Verbal insults, constant threats, gaslighting (making someone doubt their reality), and financial control are all abusive behaviours that can damage a person’s mental health and sense of safety. These invisible wounds can be just as damaging, affecting self-esteem, mental well-being, and the ability to function in daily life.
Myth #2: “Only women are victims.”
Fact: Although statistics show women experience abuse at higher rates, men, non-binary people, and individuals of all genders can and do experience domestic abuse. Abuse does not discriminate based on gender, sexual orientation, race, or background. Everyone deserves to live free from violence and have access to support and safety. Recognizing this helps to ensure that all victims get the help they need without stigma or disbelief.
Myth #3: “It’s only abuse if it happens all the time.”
Fact: Domestic abuse doesn’t have to be ongoing or frequent to be serious. Even a single incident of violence or manipulation can have lasting effects and qualify as abuse. Courts and legal systems understand that one-time events can signal a pattern or risk of harm, especially if the incident is severe or threatening. It’s important to take every act of abuse seriously, no matter how often it occurs.
Myth #4: “Victims can just leave.”
Fact: Leaving an abusive relationship is often one of the most dangerous and complicated steps a victim can take. Abusers may escalate violence during or after separation. Financial dependence, lack of safe housing, concerns about children, emotional bonds, and fear of retaliation create huge barriers to leaving. Many victims need support, resources, and safety planning to escape and rebuild their lives safely.
Myth #5: “If the abuser is nice sometimes, it can’t be abuse.”
Fact: Many abusers alternate between kindness and cruelty, which can confuse victims and make them question whether the abuse is “real.” This cycle of abuse, known as the “honeymoon phase”, is a manipulation tactic that creates hope, attachment, and dependency. The abuser may apologize, give gifts, or act lovingly after an incident, only to repeat the abuse later. This inconsistency makes it harder for victims to leave and often keeps them trapped in a toxic pattern, hoping the good moments will return. Abuse is not defined by how kind someone can be at times, but by the harm they consistently cause.
Signs of Domestic Violence and Domestic Abuse That Often Go Unnoticed
Domestic violence isn't always physical, and many people live with abuse for years without realizing it. Often, the signs are subtle and disguised as concern, humor, or love. Recognizing these early red flags can be the first step toward protecting yourself or someone you care about.
1. Constant Checking In
If your partner always wants to know where you are, who you’re with, and gets upset over delayed replies, it may seem like concern, but it’s often controlled. This behaviour creates pressure to always be available and fosters guilt or fear when you're not.
2. Disrespect Disguised as “Jokes”
Frequent mocking, criticism, or put-downs, especially in public, are not jokes if they hurt. When you’re told you're "too sensitive" for reacting, it’s emotional manipulation meant to wear down your self-esteem.
3. Financial Tracking and Control
Being forced to justify spending, denied access to money, or discouraged from working are signs of financial abuse. This kind of control creates dependence and can make it harder to leave the relationship.
4. Isolation from Loved Ones
If your partner discourages time with friends or family, or creates tension when you try to connect with others, that’s isolation. Over time, your support system shrinks, and you may feel trapped.
5. Over-Apologizing and Guilt
Constantly saying sorry or feeling responsible for your partner’s moods can signal emotional abuse. This “walking on eggshells” feeling is a sign that the relationship lacks emotional safety
If These Patterns Sound Familiar…
You could be experiencing domestic abuse, even without physical violence. Abuse can take many forms, including emotional, verbal, psychological, financial, and digital. No matter how it shows up, it’s valid, harmful, and it’s never your fault. You deserve safety, respect, and support. If you relate to these signs, consider reaching out to a counselor, advocate, or domestic violence hotline. You are not alone, and help is available.
Court Counseling for Domestic Abuse and Violence: How It Works?
The legal system often requires individuals involved in domestic cases to attend court-mandated counseling. These programs are essential in helping perpetrators take responsibility for their actions and learn to break the cycle of abuse. At Court Counseling Institute, we specialize in online, flexible, and court-approved counseling programs designed to meet the needs of perpetrators while fitting into busy schedules.
Why choose our Court Counseling?
Over two decades of experience delivering effective programs that combine trauma-informed care, behaviour change techniques, and legal compliance
Flexible online access 24/7, complete your counseling anytime, anywhere, at your own pace
Tailored specifically for perpetrators, focusing on accountability, emotional regulation, and practical tools to stop abusive behaviours
A comprehensive curriculum that covers domestic abuse definitions, legal rights, responsibilities, healthy relationships, and conflict resolution
Support for mandated clients and those committed to change, whether you’re preparing for court or working on personal growth
If you or someone you know is facing a legal case involving domestic abuse, Court Counseling Institute offers trusted and court-approved online programs that meet legal requirements and support meaningful healing.
Need Court-Approved Counseling for Domestic Violence?
Take the first step today, contact us, or explore our programs on our website. Get the support and structure you need with our flexible, online programs.
